When a daughter perceives rejection from her mother, she is bound to be sensitive to rejection for most if not all of her life. Such an experience influences almost all future relationships.
The purpose of this research was to explore and describe the life stories of young women who perceived rejection from their mothers and to formulate guidelines to assist them.
A phenomenological interpretive method that is explorative, descriptive, and contextual was used to explore everyday life experiences. Network sampling was used. In-depth phenomenological interviews were conducted with the young women so that they could define the most important dimensions of their life stories and elaborate on what is relevant to them. They were asked: ‘Tell me your life story.’ One of the authors also had a life story of perceived maternal rejection; hence an auto-ethnography was critical and was included in the study. Thematic data analysis was applied.
Themes that emerged from the data were that the young women: (1) perceive ongoing challenges in forming and sustaining relationships in their lives; (2) experience their lives as conflicted because their relationship with the central core of their existence, their mother, is perceived as tumultuous; and (3) experience fundamental links to be missing in their ‘mother-daughter relationship’.
Only a few women were interviewed regarding perceived rejection from their mothers. Further research in this regard is imperative.
A daughter's bond with her mother is a critical, quintessential one because their confidence is fragile and they understand themselves better through their key relationships, especially as they pass through key developmental stages such as adolescence and young adulthood. They become more self-aware and need plenty of attention at these stages as they are faced with questions of self-identity (Hartley-Brewer
Numerous studies have shown that a perceived poor relationship with a parent together with memories of perceived rejection may both directly be linked to the development of depressive symptoms right through to adulthood (Rholes & Simpson
A fact sheet (Mind for better mental health
Rohner and Khaleque (
Lessesne and Kennedy (
Because a person's quality of life depends greatly on his or her mental health, the ongoing existence of aspects that affect the mental health could greatly diminish that quality of life. The World Health Organization (
The greatest issue here is that if anyone ought to love a child, it is a mother, as mothers are seen as life givers and the most fundamental teachers of survival skills (Mark
The relationship between a mother and a daughter is vital from birth to adulthood, as they share a bond that is unlike any other because of the symbiotic connection and natural liaison associated with this union (Stuart
A number of longitudinal studies show that perceived parental rejection often precedes the development of depressive symptoms. Many cross-cultural findings in support of this suggestion are available from many countries from around the world, including China, Egypt, England, Finland, India, Japan, Norway, Pakistan and elsewhere (
The overall research purpose was to explore and describe the life stories of young women who have perceived rejection from their mothers, and to formulate guidelines and recommendations that can assist them in coping with the challenge of their life stories.
The significance of our research study lies in hearing and understanding the life stories of young women who have perceived rejection from their mothers. The perceived rejection by their mothers influences their lives, as they experience ongoing challenges in forming and sustaining relationships. The young women also experience that their lives are conflicted as their relationship with their mother is perceived as tumultuous. They experienced that even as they went through something painful in their lives, their mothers were not there for them. Because of these experiences and perceptions, these young women have low self-concepts that make them vulnerable to mental health challenges such as academic failure, sexual misconduct, depression and suicidal ideas. To address these mental health challenges these young women need to be facilitated to practice mindfulness in their everyday lives.
A post-modern constructivist approach (Gray
Young women from surrounding townships in Johannesburg whose ages ranged between 18 and 35 years formed the population in our research study. The network sampling method (Burns & Grove
Data saturation was achieved after eight participants were interviewed, when no new information and repeating themes were evident in the interview data.
A phenomenological interpretive method was used to relay the life stories of young women who have perceived rejection from their mothers. This method allowed us to set aside our own experiences and take on a fresh perspective on the phenomenon under study. According to Alaszewski (
Data were analysed by means of thematic coding (Creswell
It is our moral duty to conduct a research study that is ethically sound because ethics are concerned with morality as well as the balancing and respect of relations, rights, values and needs between the participants and researchers (Dhai & McQuoid-Mason
All participants signed a consent form that afforded us permission to interview them and to audio tape their life stories. We undertook to attain the necessary skills needed to carry out effective interviews by means of the Masters in Psychiatric Nursing Science Programme, since interviews can be invasive to the psyche and are capable of posing risks to the health of the participants (Burns & Grove
The criteria of credibility, transferability, dependability and confirmability of our research study were addressed in an effort to present a convincing case that our work is academically sound (Shenton
Eight young females participated in this research. Their ages ranged from 18 to 35 years of age. Three of the participants were unemployed, two had permanent jobs, two were students, and one was a businesswoman. Three participants did not have matric, one was at university, two had matric and two were college students.
The findings of our research study were discussed under headings of the central theme, themes and categories that were derived from the process of data analysis. Three themes emerged from the life stories of the participants, under which three categories were identified from each. Verbatim extracts were included to illustrate each of them.
In terms of the central theme of the study, the young women perceive ongoing challenges in forming and sustaining relationships in their lives, which related to their low self-concept. The young women also experience living conflicted lives and perceive that there are fundamental links missing in their relationships with their mothers.
After prolonged engagements with the participants, similar challenges which they seemed to experience from their life stories of perceived rejection from their mothers seemed to stem from one common denominator, which we identified as low self-concept. To identify this, here is some of what the participants said during the interviews: ‘I’ve always been the black sheep’ (Participant 3), and ‘I feel as though I’m a failure because I failed to make her happy’ (Participant 1).
Self-concept holds a powerful function in mediating human behaviour, as it is thought to be a necessary element of health, happiness and the productivity of all individuals (Marsh, Craven & McInerney
The first and most fundamental pattern of relationship that a human being can experience, often associated with the one developed with a parent or a caregiver, often sets the tone for future relationship patterns (Uys & Middleton
The participants’ perceived hardships with parenting were found to be emotionally based, as we gathered that they were experiencing some or other burden in caring for their children. These are some of their statements: ‘I didn’t have a connection. It was difficult for my mind to adapt that now you have a child. I knew I was pregnant but it was hard …’ (Participant 8), and ‘I didn’t really like my son that much. Even after giving birth, I didn’t carry him …’ (Participant 2).
The emotional state of a parent is said to have a significant effect on the quality of the relationship that they build with their child (Bornstein
The participants spoke of abuse or being taken advantage of in relationships which they were in at the time or had been in. Although speaking of pain and unhappiness that they experienced in their intimate relationships, we identified that they somehow found themselves still attached to their partners. These are the words of some of the participants:
‘… I called him last week telling him about the baby and he was like, “Why didn’t you kill that baby because today I’ve got my own budget and I’ve got my own family to take care of”…’ (Participant 4)
‘… And this one day he said I should accompany him to his place and I did, and he actually raped me, twice. And he said he's sorry …’ (Participant 3)
Parental response that is perceived as sensitive is associated with secure attachment patterns, but because the young women perceive that their mothers failed to be sensitive and responsive to their needs, they start to develop insecure attachment and low self-worth (Miller
The participants in our research study were of the opinion that they related better with male friends than female friends. They stated their reasons based on their history and experiences with female friends, for example: ‘… I make better friends with guys …’ (Participant 7), and ‘… Okay, so there's these guys that I chill with, I don’t have that many girlfriends …’ (Participant 1).
Shaffer (
The young women experienced that their lives were conflicted because their life stories of perceived rejection from their mothers had not been dealt with and resolved (Uys & Middleton
During the in-depth interviews with the young women the interviewing researcher experienced that they harboured a lot of anger towards their mothers, and as a result a sense of loss of respect for the mother could also be identified. Participant 3 said ‘It makes me have an evil heart. I have a lot of anger …’, whilst Participant 5 stated as follows:
‘I’m serious, I feel that way about my mother. I can’t say I know it's wrong … It's me being honest with my feelings … I can’t stand her, I can’t be with her, I can’t breathe the same air with her, I can’t live in the same space with her – I just can’t, I cannot! If it were up to me, I would be on one continent and she would be on the other right now. That's where I’m at with the way I feel about my mom.’
The rejection and harsh treatment perceived by the young women from their mothers are the core elements and socialising practices that contribute to the development of the anger that they harbour (Miller
Even without asking about it, the young women spoke of their love for their mothers. Each time it was a vulnerable sight to see. The interviewing researcher also heard them speak of putting their mother's feelings first before their own, yet they feel a strong need to live away from her. Living away from her, however, proved hard for the young women, who still apparently had love for their mothers. These were some of their statements: ‘… I still can’t leave her, and I won’t. For some reason, she's got this hold on me [
The young women's apparent love for their mothers, despite perceiving rejection from them, mainly stems from the young women's need to protect the mother from the same hurt they feel from the whole perception of rejection (Miller
One of our findings was that the young women seemed to be battling to get over the pain of their life stories of perceived rejection from their mothers. They cited the perceived negative behaviours that they saw themselves doing in trying to cope with or even forget about their situation. What was conflicting about this is that the young women believed that their life stories made them strong individuals, in that they could deal with any situation without necessarily relying on their mothers – yet they seemed to struggle with coping and survival strategies, even when it came to other pain in their lives. Here is some of what the participants said during the interviews: ‘Smoking, that's the one thing I can say I do when I’m stressed. I do smoke’ (Participant 4), and ‘I still have suicidal ideations because I can’t figure out if my mom really loves me …’ (Participant 8).
The young women tend to lose self-control and engage in self-defeating behaviours as a result of their life stories of perceived rejection from their mothers, as they lack the ability to regulate their emotions (Sedikides & Spencer
Young adulthood mostly requires establishing an identity that matches one's young adult goals (Sadock & Sadock
The participants experienced that even as they went through something painful in their lives, their mothers could not be there for them. What we also noted was that such memories seemed to be etched into their minds, and still appeared to be vivid and painful as they shared the experience. Participant 3 stated ‘I stay quiet and sometimes find myself crying at night when everyone is asleep knowing that no-one else can see or hear me’, whilst Participant 5 said:
‘I keep having these flashbacks of a cousin of mine touching me inappropriately. So I told my mother about it and she flipped out because to her I’m just mean and I lie and I just say things, because she doesn’t really know me.’
It is a parent's privilege to support their child and to satisfy a wide range of his or her emotional needs, since parental warmth and support are seen as key components in the development of a secure parent-child relationship (Coleman & Kerbo
The young women in our research study perceived that their mothers failed to guide them through life and to establish a relationship where they could feel free to openly communicate with them about anything and everything. Some of them had the following to say during the interviews:
‘I remember my first menstrual cycle. I actually didn’t know how to use a sanitary towel. The sticky side that is supposed to be on the underwear, I would actually put it upside down …’ (Participant 7)
‘I’m afraid to tell her about a lot of things that are happening with me, she's harsh. I’m not able to sit down with her and talk about anything or my experiences at this age, being a single parent and also depending on her sometimes.’ (Participant 3)
Positive guidance is necessary in rearing a child because it instils structure and order that make the child's life easier in gaining a better understanding of the world and developing some sense of self-guidance (Miller
The young women were of the perception that, ever since they could remember, their mothers showed an inability to emotionally connect with them as there were no hugs, kisses or any signs that could assure them of her love or affection towards them. Some of the young women had the following to say in light of this:
‘I remember once as a child, because I grew up [
‘I generally do not cry. It's a sign of weakness. That's what my brother told me and I never cried. And if my mother was there for me, she would have taught me to cry when I need to cry. That's how I feel. She wasn’t there for me, emotionally especially.’ (Participant 5)
A mother's perceived inability to provide love, affection and nurturing indicates a perceived failure to be responsive to the needs of her daughter. Such perceived insensitive parental responsiveness is likely to rob the daughter of the basic need for security and parental-affirmation, resulting in the daughter developing a negative self-identity (Miller
A phenomenological approach was used to detail the many emotions and issues that the young women who have perceived rejection from their mothers endured. Our research study also displayed cause and effect from the phenomenon under study, which depicted a generational cycle of the phenomenon if left unmanaged. Guidelines and recommendations were formulated as a framework to assist the young women in coping with the challenges of their life stories.
Our research study, although sensitive, was interesting and unique as not many studies had been done on the phenomenon under study, especially in South Africa. However this generated major challenges for us since there were not many theories to compare and contrast the findings with.
After having explored the life stories of young women who have perceived rejection from their mothers in order to understand the contributing factors thereto and consequences thereof, guidelines and recommendations were formulated to assist the young women with coping. In facilitating management of the ongoing challenges perceived by the young women in forming and sustaining relationships in their lives, the following guidelines were suggested: emphasis on the importance of parental socialisation; introduction to programmes that facilitate the importance of self-affirmation; and the need for a comprehensive approach to develop positive self-esteem. In facilitating this approach the young women were assisted to resolve their life challenges.
Identified challenges and guidelines to address challenges.
Identified challenges | Guidelines |
---|---|
Low self-concept leading to:
academic failure sexual misbehaviour depression suicidal ideation. |
Facilitation of mindfulness |
Inability to form and sustain relationships. Lives conflicted because of tumultuous relationship with mothers. Experience mothers not being there for them during painful times. |
Facilitation of constructive interpersonal skills:
Constructive communication. Assertiveness. Conflict management. |
Mindfulness should be facilitated in these young women, who should become aware and discover themselves. This includes these young women needing to know themselves and understand their own thoughts, feelings and actions. Self-awareness (Johnson
To be able to form and sustain interpersonal relationships it is necessary for young women to practice their interpersonal skills. The young women also need to practice empathy – that is, to place themselves in the shoes of their mothers. They need to listen respectfully (Johnson
Our research study granted only a few young women an opportunity to vent their feelings and emotions regarding perceived rejection from their mothers. Very possibly there could be many more life stories to tell based on this phenomenon. Our hopes and wishes are not only that more research studies be done, but for other solutions to be determined and implemented. This, we believe, can better the lives of individuals and improve their mental, emotional, psychological and physical health.
We acknowledge the participants who gave their time in providing us with the information used to conduct this research.
The authors declare that they have no financial or personal relationship(s) that may have inappropriately influenced them in writing this article.
S.C.M. (Department of Nursing Science, University of Johannesburg) did the research for her Master's degree; M.P. (Department of Nursing Science, University of Johannesburg) and C.M. (Department of Educational Psychology, University of Johannesburg) supervised the study and did the final editing of the article.